Author: Tyler

The band that committed every crime in the Rock & Roll Rule Book…

If there’s been a worse influence on rock vocalists than Robert Plant, please remember that Janis Joplin is too annoying to even think about, let alone bring into this conversation. Someone should really go back and look at how much the transmission rate of STDs in middle schools rose every year that Jimmy Page toured the United States. John Bonham is a legend among people who get excited about things like hitting stuff real hard. And you’ll just have to listen to the episode to hear what we have to say about John Paul Jones a.k.a. The Other Guy in This Band.

Rightly panned by critics at nearly every point of their career, loathed by their peers, perpetrators of the actual worst radio ballad of all time – Led Zeppelin Sucks!

This is the McDonald’s of goth culture. Goth Daddy Too Buff (a.k.a. Trent Reznor) has been cashing in on teen angst for thirty freakin’ years. Think about that for a second. This is a 50-year-old man who’s monetized temper tantrums. Give us a break.

Mark likes to refer to Nine Inch Nails as “Ministry Jr.” because NIN rips off Ministry so hard that they even went through a phase of being an extremely campy new wave project before getting all dark and dressing like it’s Mad Max out here. Oh, but then there’s Skinny Puppy… And New Order… And, just, come on, Nine Inch Nails sucks.

First of all, this isn’t a band. It’s Billy Corgan going into a studio and recording 100 guitar tracks per song, then whispering half his vocals before eating a bunch of broken glass and recording the other half. You’re not Kevin Shields, man. Chill.

Next, this episode contains a shocking revelation about the music of Smashing Pumpkins. It’s honestly so important that it could end up in the viral news cycle. But until Buzzfeed rips off our insights, you’ll just have to listen to the episode to hear it.

The Smashing Pumpkins suck.

The Doors are the musical equivalent of a 20-year-old who’s taken five guitar lessons and one philosophy class. That’s gonna seem pretty far ahead of where you are when you’re 15. You’re not 15. Stop listening to this band.

This is also a great example of why automatically respecting your elders is such an inherently stupid concept. How are we supposed to respect the generation that let this band become one of the most overhyped bands to ever exist?

The Doors suck.

Everyone likes The Smiths because it’s super impressive that Morrissey, clearly a deaf man, can approximate singing, right? Also, guess what, it ain’t just Morrissey. This entire band is the worst.

Are The Smiths influential?

Sure.

Are any of the bands they influenced good, like, even a little bit?

Absolutely not.

Go back in time, make The Smiths not happen and everything that happened later instantly gets 10% better. Duran Duran were a better band and it’s not even close. Get ready to get sad about how much The Smiths suck.

P.S. This episode featured a small clip of The Smithsfits, which is better than The Smiths and The Misfits combined. Go check out The Smithsfits on Soundcloud!

 

Listen up, Danfans. You’ve been wrong and you always will be wrong until the moment you admit that liking Steely Dan is the audio equivalent of enjoying the smell of your own farts.

Steely Dan sucks.

Nothing about this is as interesting as you think it is. You might as well track down the studio musicians who make all the Goldman Sachs elevator muzak and pretend like they’re the greatest thing ever because that is literally all this is.

By the way, never let yourself be alone in a room with someone whose favorite band is Steely Dan. Trust us.

 

The Beastie Boys not only suck but are also perhaps the single most annoying gimmick in music history. It is jaw-dropping that this made-for-frat-boys cultural theft happened and that critics somehow fell in love with it.

It’s as if three people were sitting around wondering how stupid any single musical act could possibly be and this is what they came up with. If that’s what happened, wow, they nailed it. It doesn’t get much worse than this.

More like The Bullshit Boys.

Fleetwood Mac is a trash fire. Nobody even really likes this crap, they just think they remember liking it. Revisit those “classic” Fleetwood Mac albums for lessons in trash songwriting, hilariously bad singing and probably the worst production ever heard in a #1 album.

Is it any wonder a band full of terrible people made terrible music? Lindsey Buckingham apparently never recovered from being named “Lindsey” cuz this beta dude is the definition of fragile masculinity. The perfect creative force for a band full of drug-addled narcissists who can’t stop screwing each other and screwing each other over.

What makes a band the heaviest metal band ever? Unless it’s ridiculous Satanic imagery, muddy production, subpar musicianship, stupid lyrics and releasing the same album over and over for militant fans… Slayer doesn’t have it.

Every music writer who ever voted for Reign in Blood to be on a list of the best metal albums ever made should lose their job effective immediately. Honestly, if they had any self respect, they’d resign. That’s what Slayer is finally doing after years of raking it in as the most overhyped band in metal history, retiring. And to that we say: good. Slayer sucks.

Are we sure Mike Ness didn’t see Grease in 1978 and decide to start a band? Because, uh, it would make a lot of sense if that was exactly how Social Distortion happened. What doesn’t make any sense is why people liked it then, still like it now and, in fact, incorporate this glorified cover band into their entire personality.

Take Fonzie, give him an arsenal of entry-level country music covers and a capo, get Bruce Springsteen to make a trip out to California and explain authenticity to Mike Ness – boom! You just made yourself some Social D, baby!

This episode is not brought to you by House of Blues.