Your Favorite Band Sucks

What makes a band the heaviest metal band ever? Unless it’s ridiculous Satanic imagery, muddy production, subpar musicianship, stupid lyrics and releasing the same album over and over for militant fans… Slayer doesn’t have it.

Every music writer who ever voted for Reign in Blood to be on a list of the best metal albums ever made should lose their job effective immediately. Honestly, if they had any self respect, they’d resign. That’s what Slayer is finally doing after years of raking it in as the most overhyped band in metal history, retiring. And to that we say: good. Slayer sucks.

Are we sure Mike Ness didn’t see Grease in 1978 and decide to start a band? Because, uh, it would make a lot of sense if that was exactly how Social Distortion happened. What doesn’t make any sense is why people liked it then, still like it now and, in fact, incorporate this glorified cover band into their entire personality.

Take Fonzie, give him an arsenal of entry-level country music covers and a capo, get Bruce Springsteen to make a trip out to California and explain authenticity to Mike Ness – boom! You just made yourself some Social D, baby!

This episode is not brought to you by House of Blues.

A lot of people think The Who is a great, legendary band. They point to the virtuoso musicianship, great songwriting, genius concept albums and, of course, that rock opera. This would all be well and good, except for the fact that this band sucks.

We’ve all been lied to about The Who. Nobody here was anywhere near the best there ever was at anything they did. (Nor were they the second or even third best, as is often the follow-up argument.) In this episode, Mark and Tyler turn over every stone to try and discover what anyone ever saw or heard in this band… and, well, it gets ugly…

Life IS too short so listen to this and learn exactly why you should never waste another second of your existence hearing Sublime.

Everyone with a brain in their head already knows that Sublime sucks, right? The answer is yes. Maybe you think you’ve got a good idea of how much this band sucks. Trust us, it’s worse. There is so much awful information waiting for you in this episode. Honestly, this may be a Top Ten Worst Band of All Time, people. And if you don’t believe that, hey, press play and let us know how you feel after listening.

Bon Jovi sucks so much Mark and Tyler can’t even get worked up over it. Listen as your favorite podcast hosts casually dismantle this band’s career until, eventually, with no worthy adversary to team up against, Mark and Tyler turn on each other…

As we’ve seen before, Bon Jovi isn’t even a band. It’s John Bongiovi’s personal ego trip, kid-tested and mother-approved. Sometimes a pocketful of clichés is all it takes to reach the *cough*laughing-stock*cough* Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, kids!

There isn’t going to be an episode of the podcast next week because Tyler and Mark are mad at each other over this one.

 

Voted one of the Five Worst Bands of the ’90s by Rolling Stone readers in 2013, Nirvana made what BBC listeners in 2005 considered to be the most overrated album ever, Nevermind. So, it’s not even up to us, the results are in and Nirvana sucks!

You know we have problems with Kurt Cobain being one of the most heralded “songwriters” of the slacker generation. (He’s not even a songwriter, let alone a good one.) You know we have problems with Nirvana biting their sound from better bands. You know we have problems with this whole 27 Club suicide death cult self-selected martyr thing.

But Nirvana was merely a symptom of a much larger problem: grunge. A truly awful cacophony – and dangerous, too! It’s quite possible that grunge killed more people than gangster rap. Anyway, you’re already pissed off about us making this episode, so you may as well listen to it now.

 

If Weezer were a newly discovered animal species, the Latin name would be dorkus malorkus. The only guy in the band who matters thinks songwriting can be done with formulas and spreadsheets. What more do you need to know? How about some nerdy sexism?

Yeah, yeah. You liked this band when you were a teenager. Question: you ever make any other mistakes when you were a teenager? After listening to the evidence in this episode, you should agree with us that Weezer’s existence is nothing more than a giant mistake and it’s time to bring it all to an end.

It’s possible The Grateful Dead smelled even worse than they sounded, which is really saying something. Even their fans agree, this band sucks. But let’s be honest, this episode is just as much about trashing hippies as it is about trashing The Grateful Dead. And one of the worst things about hippies is that they think it’s acceptable to listen to The Grateful Dead. It’s not.

The only way anyone tolerated the sound was by being annihilated on drugs. Well, then there’s Ann Coulter…

All these songs sound like a 13 year old boy talking about what he thinks sex would be like and half the merch is marketed at 10 year olds. Who let this happen? Also, is KISS even a band? Because none of them can write, sing or play an instrument.

Oh, yeah, we know your parents let you listen to this when you were a kid. But what we’re saying is they did maybe-irreparable damage to you in doing so and it’s possible that every failed relationship in your life could be this band’s fault. Also, no, this is not genius marketing but good try at skirting the main issue, which is that KISS sucks!

 

Calling Interpol a Joy Division ripoff is so much more than they deserve. Rocking gun holsters onstage seems a lot less cool these days, huh? Yeah, so does this entire band because Interpol sucks!

Learn how to not get on board the wrong hype train!

Find out what “their first album was good but everything after that is bad” really means!

Discover several bands you need to be listening to if you ever thought it was acceptable to own an Interpol album!

Don’t even try to read their lyrics…