Your Favorite Band Sucks

None of your other trusted sources of news were doing their jobs so it’s once more up to the Joint Chiefs of Stuff to come correct with the scoop: music has officially been scheduled for extinction. Oh, you haven’t heard how things are going at Rolling Stone magazine right now? You haven’t figured out why half the bands you see on someone’s t-shirt every time you go outside are selling their publishing catalogs? Well, friends, press play to receive the most critical information download of the year.

“EvERyONe ALrEadY kNoWs juSTin BiEBer suCks!” That’s you. And what you should be doing instead is shutting the hell up and pressing play because a) we’re hilarious and b) you’ll probably learn some stuff, smartypants.

 First of all, none of you are prepared for how many of your friends are secret Pearl Jam fans. Go look up this band’s sales figures. You think it’s just everyone you’ve never met buying copies of these albums? Wake up, people! Not only is Pearl Jam’s music terrible, they are parasitic masterminds of commerce! The war with TicketMaster was just a smokescreen! All will be revealed… P.S. Anyone else think it’s weird how Eddie Vedder sang about “goin’ hungry” even though he was clearly eating mashed potatoes while recording half his vocal parts on Pearl Jam albums? 

Think you don’t have much to be grateful for this year? Think again! Mark & Tyler are here to save 2020 from the bloody jaws of Christmas with the only holiday tradition that still matters: our annual Christmas Music Sucks episode!

As a cold darkness settles upon the land and trepidation rises in the hearts of a noble proletariat, fear not! Beneath these terrible trappings lay great opportunities and wonderful gifts! (Translation: we finally figured out how to kill off Santa Claus this year. Yeah, it’s pretty chill.)

This one’s on video as well, in case you’d rather watch than listen as these selfless heroes once more rally troops for a War on Christmas.

When we’re talking about a band as insufferable as Aerosmith, you really “don’t wanna miss a thing,” so enjoy the climax of this terrible group’s trilogy: 90s Aerosmith and beyond! Alicia Silverstone’s wedgie! Song doctors! Our review of Armageddon – the movie and real life!

Welcome to Part 2 of the Your Favorite Aerosmith Sucks podcast!

In this installment, Mark helps Tyler through childhood trauma caused by Steven Tyler’s… well, everything about Steven Tyler. Also, everyone who thought the “Walk This Way” collaboration with Run DMC actually mattered was either a dumbass or an executive at MTV (and therefore a dumbass).

Step right up, folks. School is in session.

 

If we had a dollar for every time someone told us to listen to Aerosmith’s early stuff, we’d pay Aerosmith to stop being a band. And they’d take the money. You know why?

The only thing they’ve ever been good at is taking money from idiots.

Aerosmith sucks.

Well, it turns out we weren’t ready for the jelly. Talking about this soap opera of a “group” took longer than we thought it would, so here’s Part 2: The Bootylicious-ing! Can Mark & Tyler prove themselves survivors? Listen and see.

Let’s just say there’s such a thing as your dad being too big of a Jackson 5 fan. There’s also a reason your worst high school girlfriend listened to Destiny’s Child.

Ready for this history lesson on 90s pop? No, you’re not. You could never be ready for us to tell you EVERYTHING THE ILLUMINATI DOESN’T WANT YOU TO KNOW about Destiny’s Child…

You could never be ready for this jelly.

This guy should have been a one-hit wonder and we never should have had to do a single episode about him.

But no…

You people had to start taking him seriously after Odelay and now this is happening: Beck Sucks, Pt. 2: Beck to the Future! Mark & Tyler get into the ridiculous critical acceptance of “Sad Beck,” the Grammy Awards and, inevitably, more Scientology…